Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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