NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
