I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
