There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
