He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize