hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
