Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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