Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
