You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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