in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
