I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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