i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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