I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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