You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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