I cut my penus on the lid.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
