her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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