There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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