The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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