I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
