I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
