I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Everyone says I win the strip club
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
