I wish my penis had an off switch
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
