It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
