Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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