Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
