Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
