It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
