I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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