Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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