im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
