i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I booty called her while she was in labor.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
