I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize