I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
