and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
