brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
