Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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