So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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