You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
