Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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