please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
