she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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