working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
