would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
