alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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