Even water is tasting like jack daniels
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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