if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
