I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
