your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
