i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
