I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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