Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We're too hungover to prance.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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