I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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