God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
