If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize