No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
