Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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