my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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